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madame
hi there, this is me, the owner, CADEN YAP a.k.a the singapore no.1 bastard
birthday falls on 24th MARCH every year


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Friday, December 16, 2005 9:37 PM
what a day to spend. supposed to go out at 12.15pm. in the end, i woke up only at 12.30pm. lols. thought it over liao, youand you, came into my life and messed everything upside down. actually i don't blame you two. it was my fault. only my fault that i cannot be firm with my feelings and that i cannot bear to hurt anyone except myself. right now, both of your are letting go. lols. cool right. i used to be the one holding on to at least one of you, but now, you two are just going away. haha. what can i do? lols. nothing bahs. i just need time to adjust myself. perhaps, i will keep myself busy so that i will not think so much.

sigh. still got lots of homework not done. lols. told myself to finish before Christmas. wonder if i can make it. lols. now, i'm getting serious with myself and with the things i do le. the weirdest thing is that, no one i'm chatting with can sense that i'm serious. lols. forget it man! i'm tired of everything in my life. i'm not sure if this will continue all the way. but i hope so. i had learnt my mistakes. but then, i just could not change the character. my character of being caring. SIGH!!!

Lord, You said You are looking at the future me, but right now, i cannot even get my life back to how i used to be. the bread, i'm still afraid of losing it. can i just ignore everything and run with You as far as possible? until a point of time, when i just turned back and go back to the old me. ignoring the sins that i'm cherishing, ignoring everything that i'm doing. lols. is going to be hard. really hard. if i could ignore, i could have ignore it long time ago. but still, i didn't. for the fact that i'm AFRAID. i hate myself. i hate myself for being sad and crying for things that are not eternal. for making people worry about me. i never wanted anyone's care. because i grew up in a family where i solved everything by myself. but my problems in life is never too great. now then i realised that i am not wise enough to solve the problems of my own. lols. when everyone else is growing in You, i'm falling and falling deeper into things that aren't supposed to be here. sigh. my deepest desire is still the same. i want to go back to the life.

i'm tired of finding out things that i want to know because you just don't seem to be serious. and when you are serious, i don't really feel comfortable. when you are sad, i do not know what to do. you appeared to be someone who is strong in charater, and will not cry easily. i guess, you have let me go le bahs. thanks. though to me, i still need time to adjust, but you just go your way. i will still stay and look at you till i see you no more. but i promised that, even after i graduated, i will still keep in contact with you. i meant it. but give me time k? sorry and good luck. please don't lie to me about the person who are going into your heart.

am i thinking too much? perhaps i do bahs. or is it that you do not dare to voice out? sigh. you make me so confused. lols. but all i want is you to be happy. :) to me, you are not bad. i don't understand why you keep saying yourself bad. can someone please tell me the reason. i really want to know.

ann! paiseh la. this afternoon. lols. i'm so stupid. i know. but too bad. this is what happened to a sick person. haha. then you talked to mr yee also sian arhs. how can lidat de. lols. talk to him sure fun de ma. he so busy as a teacher liao, he still got time to go online seh. haha. prove that he's a great teacher right? lols. and i know koala missed me a lot. if not he will not let me take picture liao. hahas. anyway, you good lo. want to change bodyguard. Hmph. not fair. bleahs. next year, even if it's my O LEVEL, but i will try my best to send you home, unless another person is willing to meet me and let me send her home, then you will go back with your brother. lols. i don't know. can't think right now. lols.

life is in a total mess. stupid me for being so indecisive. can only blame myself.